The most common reason couples come to me is because the intimacy they used to experience with each other is disappearing…or gone!
It’s not uncommon for one partner to crave sex and intimacy more than the other. If this sounds familiar, you might want to both see a doctor to make sure your hormone levels are okay. But honestly, after working with nearly a thousand couples, we’ve found that there is usually no medical issue: resentment is the most typical intimacy blocker.
Yup, every day resentment. You may resent your partner because:
- You feel you are always picking up after your partner.
- You are working so hard to pay the bills and your partner spends money like there is no tomorrow.
- Your partner said deeply hurtful things to you earlier today or years ago or decades ago.
- You feel your spouse doesn’t respect you.
If you resent your partner, or your partner resents you, don’t ignore it. I want you to take action! If not, the problem is likely to get worse over time.
So what’s a great way to work on better connection and intimacy? Ask your partner, “Are you hurt, frustrated or resentful about something that I’ve said or done?”
Then genuinely listen to the response. Often, by asking this one simple question, you’ll receive great data to help you get things back on track. If possible, try to validate some part of what you hear from your partner that feels true to you. Don’t get defensive, what they say is their truth and may not be yours.
For more tips about what to do if you feel that sex and intimacy are disappearing—or already gone—from your relationship, read my post “What To Do If Your Partner Rejects Sex.”