I’ve been fortunate to train under the best-of-the-best in relationship therapy and in the neuroscience of therapy.
One expert I greatly respect is physician Gabor Maté, a leader in trauma and the lifelong impacts on physical and mental health. I recently watched his video-based program called Starting Fresh, designed to help parents and their adult children repair their relationships.
What is a “working theory”?
In this workshop, Gabor and his adult-son Daniel Maté describe how most of us will tell ourselves a story about another person with whom we are in an important relationship.
Gabor and Daniel call this story we make up our “working theory.” The working theory is usually:
- Slightly based in truth.
- Exaggerated.
- Portraying the other person at their worst.
- Very damaging.
- Doesn’t leave much room for curiosity or for a different possibility than we expect.
Why these stories disconnect us
For example, a working theory about an adult child could be “He can’t handle things on his own.” This may lead a parent to act in a way that is controlling or micromanaging. This could actually drive the adult child further away.
A working theory about a partner might be “He never listens to me.” This will cause a partner to refuse to share their feelings, often leading to the closing off of the relationship.
Another working theory about a partner might be “She is lazy.” This can lead to one person doing everything themselves while resentment builds.
My Challenge For You
So I challenge you with this: What is the “working theory” you have about your adult child or your partner?
Next time you are around this important person in your life, I want you to be curious instead of judging, and to be open to the possibility that the other person may just show up differently than you think they will.
Many adult children and their parents are seeing me to help repair this critical relationship. If you’re interested in scheduling an intensive for you and someone important in your life, please reach out to me here.